Thursday, 6 July 2017

Forged In Fire

When your shunned by own father it is very hard , hard to move on hard to see other families laughing and joking and having fun. It's always been that way even when I did had a father in my life because I felt I should have been a boy , never feeling good enough for my dad , I have to be careful as he is still living but he doesn't care and never will. Sometimes with families there is no olive branch there can be , never will be it's not worth trying , I have no brothers and sisters and quite frankly I wouldn't want to gave had a sibling to endure what I did. I really always do try and see the best in people but that's how I am forged.

Forged

I am forged in fire you can say , if my mother had gone to a woman's refuge I think my life would have taken a much safer and easier path. Forged to take control of my emotions and not cry and this is something I still have trouble with as to cry then and sometimes now to me was a weakness of emotion. There was no social services for me no teacher I could turn to I was muddled up through my GcSes and A levels  , violence should never be part of anyone's life. If I am upset I have to reset and this can take days , I'm conscious that people don't what to read sad from me I'm not here for people to either have empathy or feel pity.  


Coping 

I am coping everyday of my life by putting all of my trouble in a box but otherwise how would I cope , I've my own family to take care of just the three of us. To me my son has one grandad my husband's dad and my own grandad his great grandad was more of a grandad to him than my own dad was . I'm not here to rubbish people but I don't talk about my dad now I just don't have a dad it is as if he is aur brushed out of existence . You might tell me to try again but no I take take personal threats against me lightly and knowing what I grew up in I'd rather just let it be.


Hoping 

You see I'm hopeful for the future ooh not with my dad I'll let him be a miser of his own stony cold heart , I am hopeful for me for the love I have to give and for my family unit just the three of us . Putting down emotional roots is what I'm doing and I've never done that before in my whole life , you'll laugh when I tell you that when my parents were divorcing my dad wanted custody. Custody you say why that's natural to want custody but wait the custody wasn't for me it was for the cat!!!!



So you see I am forged in fire but with a heart of love .


"The moment I stopped living up to everyone else's expectations.
 
I lived up to my own ."

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